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Hey Shades, i need you over here for a sec :: Archived
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piney
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Location: Republic of Southern New Jersey
PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2010 7:14 am
Post subject: Hey Shades, i need you over here for a sec

"101 Uses for a Dead Squirrel

1. Skewer it with a sharp stick. Place it on top of the cabin to use as a weather vane.

2. Use its cute fuzzy tail as an abrasive to scrub nasty grime off of your BBQ grill.

3. Pry tops off beer bottles with his rigor mortis stiffened lower jaw.

4. The tail makes an excellent eye shadow applicator.

5. Squirrel bodies are just the right size to use as a chalk board eraser.

6. Affix a bell to his tail. Hang him beside your front door to welcome visitors.

7. Squirrels - the reusable toilet paper.

8. Holding the squirrel firmly by the midsection will allow you to use him as a back scratcher.

9. Mix well with herbs and a nice dark sherry, they really do taste like chicken.

10. Fill body cavity with catnip and give as a gift to your favorite kitty.

11. Flex his limbs into a "natural" tree hugging pose. Place your beer into his empty little arms. Voila.

12. As an exciting entertainment item at your next party - Squirrel pinatas! They're challenging.

13. No Dodge Caravan is complete without a squirrel hood ornament.

14. If you're lucky enough to have a set of dead squirrels, use them as bedroom slippers.

15. Remove his feet. Use them as toothpicks.

16. (Un)lucky squirrel foot key chains.

17. Shave his little body and sell its fur to Hair Club for Men. Sorry, only available in gray.

18. Two words - squirrel kabob.

19. Tire chocks for steep driveways.

20. Place into small container of kool-aid with tail sticking out. Freeze. Squirrel Pops.

21. They make cute, though unnerving tub stoppers.

22. Mount them upon a long pole for an effective chimney sweep.

23. The perfect April Fools prank, the old stick-a-squirrel-in-the-tailpipe trick.

24. Squirrel skin caps, for the very small minded individual.

25. Squirrel - the other, "other" white meat.

26. Mount his little body next to the door to hold your keys.

27. They make wonderful wedding gifts, but are somewhat hard to wrap.

28. Recipe for a hot day: one dead squirrel, can of Coke, ice cream... squirrel float.

29. Kill eleven more squirrels, wait a million years until they're petrified. Place upright in an English field. Charge visitors to see "Squirrelhenge".

30. Tails are excellent for cleaning the barrels of BB guns.

31. Paperweight.

32. Replace your mouse on your computer with the squirrel. Be careful when attaching wires.

33. Bend tail at a 90 degree angle to clean the blades on ceiling fans.

34. Squirrels make great alligator bait. Just ask Spurrier.

35. Are you out of Styrofoam packing peanuts? Use dead squirrels to protect valuables.

36. Paint him pink and put him next to the plastic flamingo in the front yard.

37. Give him a college degree and he'll pass for a UF grad.

38. Stitch a stapler into his body cavity. To use stapler, just bop Chipper on the little head.

39. Insert tiny flashlight into him and let children use him as a safety light while trick-or-treating.

40. Dead squirrels make great clothes pins.

41. Iron him flat. Frame him. Tell your art loving friends you were in your "Fur" period.

42. Paint him silver, cover in glitter. Place him under your bug light for a cool redneck disco look.

43. Dye his hair blue. Freeze solid. Use in coolers to keep those beers icy cold.

44. Harness two dead squirrels together to replace a Hyundai engine.

45. Inflate. Use as a whoopee cushion.

46. Toilet bowl brush.

47. Superglue tiny antlers to his head. Take photos. Sell them to Yankee tourists.

48. Screw a light bulb into his mouth. Stick tail into sockets to test voltage.

49. Use as ammo for potato cannon. Hunt for Bullwinkle. He likes squirrels.

50. Use as marital aid.

51. Place 10 together on a piece of dowel rod. Use as abacus.

52. The all natural Sanitary Napkin.

53. Never buy Q-tips again.

54. Use his stiff little arm to play your Alvin and the Chipmunks 45s.

55. Set of two makes imaginative salt and pepper shakers.

56. Place a straw into his mouth. Tuck squirrel under your arm. Bagpipes.

57. Buy a leash and collar. Cheap low maintenance pets for college students.

58. Mount his head on a pike as a warning to other squirrels.

59. Put his lifeless little body on the bird feeder as a decoy....

60. Put nuts into his mouth. Pump tail. Nutcracker-a-matic.

61. Use his chiseled teeth as an ice pick.

62. Flatten and place at the front door to clean mud from your shoes.

63. Bend at 90 degree angle for a squirrel-o-rang. They ALWAYS come back.

64. Stuff him full of narcotics to smuggle drugs over the border.

65. Turn him upside down on the coffee table. He's an adorable ashtray holder.

66. Firmly grasp both hind legs in your hands. Use him to dowse for water.

67. Environmentally friendly Pez dispenser.

68. Use his claws as a paper shredder. Works especially well to remove wallpaper.

69. Toss one into the dryer with your laundry. Keeps clothes woodland fresh.

70. Hang one from your rearview mirror. Be the envy of every Cuban in Miami.

71. Plant feet in concrete and throw into the East River as a reminder to other Mafia Squirrels.

72. Mount in front yard with a small lantern in his paws for the newest in lawn jockeys.

73. Get him a social security number and claim him as a dependant.

74. Christmas tree ornament

75. Stand in an upright position for an over-sized golf tee.

76. Use as a 'tail' on a kite.

77. Replace your bathroom scale. If you step on the squirrel and it explodes, it's time to lose weight.

78. If you're out of matches, rub two dead squirrels together to start a fire.

79. Go back to nature if you have little to hide. The squirrel loin cloth.

80. Mount on cars to use as a curb feeler.

81. Flatten the body, but leave the head intact. A truly classy bookmark.

82. Decorative center piece at the next PETA dinner.

83. Valuable commodities for bartering with the Clampetts.

84. Set squirrels next to furniture to prevent you from stubbing your toes in the dark.

85. Makes excellent pasta server.

86. Put vegetables into his mouth. Crank tail to use as salad shooter.

87. Can be used as a body/brain double for Al Gore.

88. Iron into rectangle. Cut out center to use a photo frame.

89. Fill with MORE lead shot to use as a boat anchor.

90. Mount on a long stick to use as a garden rake.

91. Fasten firmly to bathroom walls to hang wet towels.

92. Warm in microwave. Use in place of hot water bottles.

93. Tails are especially good for cleaning hubcaps.

94. Dip into ink well and use as fountain pen.

95. Wear as a stole to your next cocktail party.

96. Warm him in the oven to serve as an appetizer for a snake.

97. Featherless duster.

98. Wear him on a string around your neck. Tell your friends you kill all your own clothes.

99. Functional wallet or purse.

100. Tie a satin ribbon on him then fill with potpourri. Martha Stewart eat your heart out.

101. Start your own maggot farm.
"

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Joe_D
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Joined: Jan 28, 2006
Posts: 2024
Location: Razorback Country
PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2010 9:46 am
Post subject: Re: Hey Shades, i need you over here for a sec

17. Shave his little body and sell its fur to Hair Club for Men. Sorry, only available in gray.


I'm sure we can find at least one Red one.

58. Mount his head on a pike as a warning to other squirrels.


Witnessed that one the other day, should've took a picture. I'll take one next time.

Nice list Piney

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Shades
Forum Tree-Rat

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Joined: Mar 06, 2005
Posts: 6404
Location: 3rd Branch up, 'Ye Olde Oak', Green Wood.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2010 4:02 pm
Post subject: Re: Hey Shades, i need you over here for a sec

*...skwirrell!

Philistines!


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Uhu_Fledermaus
Aircraft Demolition Expert

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Posts: 4367
Location: Blaricum, The Netherlands ~GMT+1
PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2010 9:45 pm
Post subject: Re: Hey Shades, i need you over here for a sec

102. stick 'm on a gun ass first and use 'm as a muzzle flash cover Twisted Evil
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Shades
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Posts: 6404
Location: 3rd Branch up, 'Ye Olde Oak', Green Wood.
PostPosted: Sat Oct 02, 2010 1:36 am
Post subject: Re: Hey Shades, i need you over here for a sec

Bastids!
Razz

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CPU > Intel i7-4790k (4.0GHz); COOLING > CoolerMaster Hyper 212 EVO (2x120mm);
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GPU > Gigabyte GEFORCE GTX650Ti PCI-e 3.0 2Gb GDDR5; AUDIO > Creative X-Fi Xtreme Music;
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CASE > CoolerMaster "Storm Scout"; OS > Windows 7 Home Prem (64-bit).
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401RCAF_HitMan
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Joined: Dec 25, 2004
Posts: 1456
Location: Ontario, CANADA (next to the beer store)
PostPosted: Wed Oct 06, 2010 2:17 pm
Post subject: Re: Hey Shades, i need you over here for a sec

103. Tie him to a tree and make him watch Bush runing around the forest naked again..
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Shades
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Posts: 6404
Location: 3rd Branch up, 'Ye Olde Oak', Green Wood.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 06, 2010 3:27 pm
Post subject: Re: Hey Shades, i need you over here for a sec

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

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GPU > Gigabyte GEFORCE GTX650Ti PCI-e 3.0 2Gb GDDR5; AUDIO > Creative X-Fi Xtreme Music;
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CASE > CoolerMaster "Storm Scout"; OS > Windows 7 Home Prem (64-bit).
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piney
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Joined: Jan 23, 2006
Posts: 2330
Location: Republic of Southern New Jersey
PostPosted: Wed Oct 06, 2010 3:40 pm
Post subject: Re: Hey Shades, i need you over here for a sec

104. mount on post in backyard as doggie latrine

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