"We interrupt this broadcast with a special report! A '63 peal white Chevy Impala was found abandoned by an old mine shack in California and revealed a 'lost' issue of the popular "TC's Corner" called "Damm Granny!". The police and bomb squad were called in to investigate the 'chevy' and the lost issue was found as the trunk was forced open. Police Chief 'O Shenanigan says the bomb squad was 'called in' after the discovery of a 'foul oder combined with green fumes' emanating from the trunk and thought to be some kind of chemical warfare or bomb.
Further investigation only revealed some 'socks' left in the pocket of a 'leisure suit' next to a bottle of 'aqua velva' shaving lotion. Police have long suspected the disappearance of 'TC' also known by his alias as 'Rookie Kilter' to be connected with some kind of dispute with well known Hollywood screen actor 'Clint Eastwood'. Eastwood, when interviewed by our news crew, refused to comment about the disappearance and was over heard mumbling something about 'lost' lawn equipment and overgrown grass. Police are investigating the matter."
And now, the lost issue!!
United States Department of Misfortune and Irony
Study No. E-99352
Case Study: Mr. PGTigercat
WHEREAS: Mr. PGTigercat has been concluded as the Worlds Most Unlucky Human this extended Study into this unfortunate person is hereby continued, documented and put into permanent record
RECALLING: That Mr. PGTigercat and his typical un-unlucky son PGBearcat drove 60 miles to visit a dam site that had been void of wildfire for 80 years, and upon arriving a fire was burning said dam site demonstrating the pitiful fortunes of Mr. PGTigercat and those unfortunate to be around him.
BACKGROUND: On the morning of June 7, 2003, Mr. PGTigercat and his unassuming unlucky son departed around 7:15 a.m. from Oak View, CA, en route to Santa Barbara, CA, intending to visit two dams; the Laurel Ranch Dam and the Gibraltar Reservoir Dam.
CASE STUDY - Part A: After entrusting his son PGBearcat to the position of Dam Touring Navigator and bestowing upon him all the implements of that position (namely a road map) the two Dam Hunters proceeded up Highway 101 towards their first dam. Thanks to the consummate skill of the Navigator they managed to locate the dam after missing the turn just a mire three times.
Part B: Arriving at Laurel Canyon Dam (which is located in the center of the city of Santa Barbara) PGTigercat and his son exited their vehicle (a convertible rainbow mother-of-pearl '63 Chevy Impala, or perhaps a Mazda B4000 pickup truck, the actual type of vehicle not quite ascertained). The two walked towards the dam and took a few photographs of the dam and adjoining reservoir. Since the dam was a boring earth dam and not a concrete one, the two were rather disappointed.
Part C: Suddenly PGBearcat noticed his Imitation Black Polyester Leisure suit waering father suddenly jump and sprint full tilt towards their parked Chevy Impala at full gallop. Upon reaching said vehicle, PGTigercat dove into the parked Impala. Since it was rather infrequent that his son saw his father jump and sprint madly as if being attacked by Killer Aliens from Planet Zorg, the son also sprinted and ran for the car assuming some horrible creature might be approaching (such as an alien, bear, or bakery supply sales professional). Both PGTigercat and his son flung the car door open, dove in, and slammed and locked the doors behind him.
"Did you see that?" cried PGTigercat to his son, with sweat beads forming on his bald head.
"No, I saw you run so I assumed we were in peril so I followed," replied his son.
"I saw this big, massive, ugly looking wolf-like- monster- size dog running up that road behind us!" said PGTigercat, "and he looked like he was going to eat me! I left you behind to protect my rear flank.�
Just after this was said a woman appeared on the road behind Mr. Tigercat and his son walking her dog (admittedly it looked like a particularly ferocious French poodle), which was secured, on a leash. She was apparently mildly amused at the panic her dog had caused to the man in the leisure suit and his unassuming son.
Not wishing to be the subject of any more unnecessary embarrassment and ridicule, Mr. Tigercat and his son left the Laurel Canyon Dam and proceeded to head to Gibraltar Dam. “I’ m telling ya Brett the dog looked huge, must have been sun spots.�
“Yeah, dad, whatever.� Said Brett shaking his head.
Part D: Thanks to the stalwart efforts of the Navigator, PGTigercat and his son made their way towards the Gibraltar Dam. Mr. Tigercat was quite distressed over the quality of the roads, which lead to the Gibraltar Dam. The road became treacherous and Mr. Tigercat informed his son that if the road conditions got any worse that he would turn the Impala around and try to make it back alive.
It was at that point when the highway merged from four lanes to just two that Mr. Tigercat nearly proceeded with his threat to turn around but was encouraged by his son and Navigator to continue. Then the highway (Highway 195 to be precise) reached the Gibraltar Dam turnoff (a rather miss-named side street called "Paradise Road") Mr. Tigercat expressed his displeasure over the roads condition.
“Hey Brett, If the road gets any worse were gonna have to hike in, or more precisely, your hiking in. I’m taking a nap.�
Part E: Paradise Road was indeed a rather steep, windy, treacherous road, but the potholes were not too deep and the two managed to continue for some many miles. When Mr. Tigercat asked his navigator son "Where in the hell they were" he received the unnerving reply of "I don't know". The word… "Sheesh!"… Was heard up and down the canyon.
The road had meandered off the road map and the two continued on their way totally blind to what lay ahead.
Part F: Finally after driving some 10 miles on the thin winding pot holed filled Paradise Road, Mr. Tigercat and his son arrived at a US Forest Service road block. An old lady walked up to the car as PGTigercat rolled down the window.
“ Howdy!" said the old lady, who was wearing a T-shirt that said 'I LOVE my GRANDCHILDREN.' Mr. Tigercat and his son expressed astonishment that the employment of such a youth-impaired woman would be to sit at a Forest Service road block 39 miles from the nearest flush toilet.
"YO!,Good afternoon, ma'am," replied Mr.Tigercat.
"What can we do for you today, sir?" asked the old lady.
"We're looking for the Gibraltar Dam," said Mr. Tigercat
"Ahhh," sighed the old lady. "Well, honey, the Gibraltar Dam is about 5 miles that way" and she pointed down the road "but first of all you need a $40 Adventure Pass to continue further and second of all the dam is closed."
"Hey, lady," said Mr. Tigercat, not a small bit ruffled that he had driven 100 miles to be turned around by a grandmother at a road block in the middle of some forsaken valley 39 miles from the nearest flush toilet. "We came a long way to see the dam, can't we park here and walk over to it?"
"Well, sir, two days ago you could have done that," replied the old lady. "You see, honey, two days ago a pair of hikers went down to the dam and beat up the dam keeper. He's in the hospital with serious injuries. Quite a shock to everybody. Since then, the dam's closed, and it's not going to be opening any time soon, honey."
To PGTigercat and his son this was the last straw.
“Lissen, grandma!" shouted Mr. Tigercat, stepping out of his vehicle. "I'm gonna see that dam and there's nothing you can do to stop me, granny."
"Heh heh," cackled the old lady, rolling up her sleeves on her 'I LOVE my GRANDCHILDREN' T-shirt. "Come on, baldy. They didn't hire me for nothing. You try to step towards that dam access road and I'll kick your leisure-suit wearing aqua-velva reeking diet-Coke drinking butt!"
"Muahahaha! Like an old granny like you could stop me!" cried Mr. Tigercat "I'm gonna see that dam and there ain't nobody that's gonna tell me I can't!"
Part G: As PGTigercat picked himself up from the dusty roadside, his left eye swollen; the old lady at the roadblock cracked her knuckles and smiled.
Mr. Tigercat got up, dusted off his leisure suit, and suddenly without notice jumped back at the old lady with fists flying. As Mr. Tigercat was picking himself up from the dusty roadside a second time with two swollen eyes, the old lady kicked him a few times just for good measure.
"Hey, kid," the old lady snapped to Mr. Tigercat's son who was still sitting in the car. "You gonna try any fast moves or am I gonna have to take care of you too?"
"Oh, no ma'am," replied the son. "It was all his idea to come up here. I wanted to stay at home and do regular things but this old man of mine insisted on going Dam Hunting. Say, ma'am, how much are those Forest Adventure passes again?"
Part H: "Geez, Dad," said Mr. Tigercat's son as they were heading back down Paradise Road back towards the main highway. "That old grandma really took you down. Once she got you in that headlock and was pounding your face I knew you were finished. I was just getting ready to jump in and help you dad, but I thought better of it. I figured you needed me to drive you to the hospital.�
Mr. Tigercat was not amused.
"Hey, Brett, you saw how big she was!" growled Mr. Tigercat. "And she was wiry for a grandmother. Probably works out. I could have taken down any other grandmother but this one was a trained killer. I thought I had the old bag fooled with my fancy foot work and the element of surprise.�
"Sure, dad," replied his son.
"And one more thing," snapped MrTigercat. "I better not see one word of this on Com-Central. I would never hear the end of it!"
"Don't worry, dad, I wouldn't embarrass you like that!...hehehehe" said his son. "Say, dad. If we take this road here," and he pointed to the map, "it goes along that mountain ridge and we can see the dam from above! And besides, it goes right around back to the freeway and we can be on our way home just as fast as if we stayed on this highway."
"I don't know, Brett," said Mr. Tigercat, becoming rather suspicious of taking roads where unknown roadblocks guarded by karate-educated grandmothers might be lurking. "Are you SURE you can see the dam from that road? Are you SURE it goes through to the freeway?"
"Hey, dad, lighten up, who's the navigator here, me or you?" retorted his son. "You can see the dam from just a little ways up this road! There's the turn, quick! Sheesh, it's practically a double-wide highway!"
Part I: Twenty-eight minutes later on a single-lane two-way potholed and slippery 14% incline fire access road along a treacherous ravine (aka the Double Wide Highway) we find our hero's Mr. Tigercat and his son debating whether or not the "CHECK ENGINE" light on the dashboard really meant that one should check the engine.
"Are you SURE you can see the dam from here?" barked Mr. Tigercat, his face getting red and his swollen eyes throbbing.
"Yeah, I've been here before with the Boy Scouts," replied his son, "well, I think. I believe we can see the dam from that saddle just up there!"
"You mean that treacherous mountain peak about 5 miles away?" gasped Mr. Tigercat!
"That's the one," replied his son.
Part J: Upon arriving at the saddle no dam was visible nor was there any sign that the road was going to turn back and connect to the freeway. The Navigator suddenly made the discovery that they had not taken the "Gibraltar Canyon Pass Road" but rather the "Good Gosh Almighty Firebreak and Access Road." This error in navigation thus corrected, Mr.Tigercat and his son drove back down the 14% single-laned two-way slippery potholed road and back onto the main highway. Their enthusiasm for Dam Hunting thus dampened, they returned home quite dejected.
CONCLUSION: Since the chances of the Gibraltar Dam dam keeper being beat up when there are an estimated 12,000 other dam keepers available to be beat up is roughly 1 in 12,000 and since the chances of the Gibraltar Dam dam keeper being beat up in the same week that Mr. Tigercat attempted to view the dam is roughly 1 in 800,000. What are the chances that a muscle-bound grandmother would be guarding the entrance is about 1 in 6,459,321. Thus, we conclude that Mr. Tigercat IS STILL the world's most UNLUCKY HUMAN on the FACE OF THE EARTH.
EX POST FACTO: Besides, what are the odds that Mr. Tigercat would come upon a Forest Service roadblock being watched by a muscel-bound 7 7-year-old grandmother wearing an I LOVE my GRANDCHILDREN T-shirt? (Besides, I had a C-note bet on the Granny to TKO my dad in the first)
But at least he escaped the ferocious man-eating poodle.
TC-