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LOL....that's an oldie but a goodie

LOL!

TC's Corner #4

May I help you please?

About a week ago, a guy came into my Rookie Kilter Madhouse Emplorium, shook my hand, and identified himself as PG Captain Vlad. I asked him if I could help him and he said I could.

"I'm lookin’ for a nice Rookie Kilter," he said. "One that can do at least 450 miles per hour."
"Well, that’s a mighty tall order there, partner," I replied. "But I think I can oblige."
"I know. I've been lookin’ at those fine, foreign Kilters, man oh man they are beauties!" Captain Vlad said.
Now I am a Professional Rookie Kilter Supply Salesman, and when I hear someone talk about them FOREIGN Kilters, well, all I see is dollar bills spiraling down the toilet.
"Heck, you don’t want no Foreign Kilter Mr. Vlad, be an American, and buy a quality American Kilter! Don't support them FOREIGNERS, buy from the United States, home of the free, and the president-less." I urged
.
"Yes, I suppose you are right. But what kind of Kilter can you get me that’s made in the land of the free? Mine has got to go over 450 miles per hour. I don’t care about the cost!" persisted Captain Vlad.
"Mr. Vlad, I can build you a Kilter that will do over Six-Hundred Miles Per Hour." I told him. His eyes got glassy as he asked, "Six Hundred? Man oh man, where do I sign?" he said eagerly.

And thus I sold my latest Rookie Kilter, the approximate price being about 3 times the fiscal income of Kenya. I also sold Mr. Vlad a quality pair of Italian Rookie Kilting Shoes for $399. Right away I set to work, laboring over a Rookie Kilter frame, and sending a rush order for sixteen .50-calibre machine guns!
I soon finished, and the resulting work was a true piece of art. I called up Mr. Vlad and told him to come out and get his beauty. About an hour later he walked into my back door to the Kilter Factory. I pointed out the Kilter to him.

"Man oh man, look at that work of art!" he said as he slowly stepped up to the beautiful Kilter.
"Why don’t you strap yourself in and check out the cockpit?" I asked.
Mr. Vlad climbed up into the Kilter, and sat himself into the cockpit.
"That there Kilter has got it all!" I exclaimed, "It’s got Duel Superchargers, Duel Wasps, Duel Landing gear, Duel Everything!" I clamored.
"Man oh Man." said Mr. Vlad.
"And check out the airspeed indicator," I said. "It starts at 0, and curls all the way up to Six Hundred MPH, and there’s still more room in the word WOW."
"MAN OH MAN!" exclaimed Mr. Vlad.
"Now look at the PIPES man, the PIPES! Eighteen, nineteen cubic diameter inches triple “Sonometer� PIPES! Look at the pipes coming out of the cowling, the engine, the wings!" I said excitedly.
"Oh my oh." said Mr. Vlad.
"Then there’s the plaque which says 'Made Especially for PG Capt Vlad by TCs Kilter Emplorium,' and it is guaranteed to be faster than anything Fozzy owns. And there’s a Fire Extinguisher, so if you ever come across a plane that’s on fire, you can get out and put out the fire, and the pilot of the next plane will say 'Thank you Very Much.' "

Then TC, who was dressed in black, handed Vlad the keys, and said:
"Why don’t you start her up?"
"Yea, gimme the keys!" cried out Mr. Vlad, quickly snatching them from my hand.

So he sat in the cockpit, he put his hand on the stick, and Mr. Vlad began whispering to himself "Over Six Hundred ... over six hundred ... over six hundred ... oh boy!"
And then TC said, "Why don’t you start her up?"

"Oh, yea, I was going to do that," replied Vlad, and he hit the ignition switch. The engine started coughing, white smoke, spinning prop, fire, and all those PIPES! You could just see the three thousand horses fighting desperately to be let out of the 24 cylinders! The plane roared to life, like a violent volcano, and the sound was utterly deafening. Vlad sat in the cockpit, both hands with white knuckles, clutching the control stick. His Italian Kilting Shoes turned into sneakers. He just started it up, his Rookie Kilter had not even moved, and it was Kilting Rookies!

"Why don’t you take it for a spin?" I calmly said to Mr. Vlad.
"Didn’t I?" cried Mr. Vlad. Then Vlad’s left hand inched for the throttle, he gripped the knob, and with a slight movement, managed to shove the throttle lever up to 2%. The Kilter roared into life, and rocketed through the Emplorium's hangar door, and out onto the tarmac, spewing flames and smoke, shooting out of the pipes, like a dragon after a Mexican fiesta.
He didn’t even get to the runway before taking off, and before he even took his next breath, the Kilter was going ballistic. It was killing Rookies all over the airport, and he hadn’t even pulled the trigger!
And somehow, Captain Vlad managed to shut off the engine, despite the fact three thousand horses objected greatly. He glided the smoking Kilter down onto the runway, and it stopped just in front of my Emplorium. Vlad climbed out of the cockpit, stepping over the remains of former Rookies, and came up to me, stuck out his shaking hand and said:

"You take these keys ... and this Kilter ... and you give it ... to Major Slayer."
--TC

huh? lol

I can't beleive that you guys are re-running this guys dribble! This is moderately funny crap at best. TC is a short, fat, bald, leisure suit wearing, Aqua Velva abusing, nose picking, butt scratching, glue sniffing, scab picking, pimple popping, rookie kilting loser!

I have taken the liberty of informing Tracer_Bullit of TC's wearabouts. If we are all lucky, the fat slob will be apprehended by the zone authorities.

But hey, that "Why is it' story is kinda funny. And I guess being shot down all those times wasn't all that bad. But I draw the line at him selling me a defective Rookie Kilter and charging me a outlandishly obscene price! And he took my wallet too! The punk also wanted to barrow my lawnmower!! Sheeeeesh!!


RD-

- Shadow_Bshwackr

Why is it? That PGBearcat's letters are only slightly longer and more complicated than a thesis on nuclear fission?

LOL I remember those! hehehe

PG_Raptor aka XcalibeR

Why is it, when you go rookie hunting nowadays, everyone derides you for it and calls you a bully. Don't these people understand there's a tradition to be upheld???

Thanks TC, I still remember trawling your website on a Sunday afternoon and having a few yucks.

Edition #3....:wink:


WHY IS IT?


Why is it? Rookie Rooms never have half-dozen Rookies ready to be kilt but instead a half-dozen seasoned aces with Rookie Kilters?

Why is it? My mothers cover the eyes and ears of their youngest child every time my Rookie Kilter and me go by?

Why is it? That a Genuine TC Rookie Kilter is known by the State of Nebraska to cause cancer?

Why is it? Once you actually do find a Rookie Room full of Rookies the host always boots you?

Why is it? The Zone freezes when you are heading into a really cool dogfight but always works like a charm in Ark Royal games?

Why is it? Game hosts never believe you when you explain to them a "Genuine Rookie Kilter" is simply a repainted P-51D?

Why is it? You get into this really cool sounding game that upon getting into the Ready Room you find out its a 2 vs. 2 game that goes up to 25 kills and hasn't been going for more than 15 seconds?

Why is it? When you are in a Rookie Room some punk comes in with his mod and shoots you down?

Why is it? Rookie Kilters are not banned from minors and,
especially, Rookies?

Why is it? Your kid deletes CFS twenty minutes before the "Big Squad Match" and not when he was jumping on the keyboard four days ago?

Why is it? Any female that shot you down thinks it is such a good topic in a chat room?

Why is it? Rookies can't keep the same hours as their Kilters?

Why is it? Whenever someone (obviously a Rookie) gets the Republic P-47D as his plane, and while you are smirking to yourself getting ready to kill him, someone tells the guy to fly a Hawker?

Why is it? You make your greatest kills alone but make your worst misses surrounded by a crowd of sadistic hecklers?

Why is it? Wives expect you to go to work, fulfill social and family obligations, change baby's diaper, go to church, take kids to their softball games, help with the laundry, and go shopping with them while Rookies abound on the Zone?

Why is it? That PGBearcat's letters are only slightly longer and more complicated than a thesis on nuclear fission?

Why is it? That none of these add-on designers every invented a compass that does not point North, South, East or West, but in an actual useful direction, like the shortest route to the nearest Rookie?

Why is it? Wives cannot accept the mystery of computer flight Sim games reproducing in the CD drawer and leave it at that?

Why is it? Wives cannot see the fact that all Rookies must be kilt?

Why is it? Wives go on crusades to Save the Rookie and make the Rookie Kilter paint the garage?

Why is it? The game lags the exact instant of shooting down a Rookie and not when you were looking for one two minutes before?

Why is it? When you totally miss a Rookie that the person standing behind you happens to be your priest, minister, rabbi, or worse, your 3-year old son, who asks Mommy what a "Bleeping Bleep of a Bleep Rookie", is?

PG_Tigercat

Enjoying the stories immensely! Looking forward to the next TC's corner!

oi TC where ya been bud...been a long time man, seeing this stuff is like a blast from the past.

Glad you like them everyone and TC, thanks for stopping by....(Good to cya around ya old wookie kilter...lol)

AND.... yes TC, I have all the stories. (something about being a packrat and keeping things like these stories that makes my wife call me that...lol)

I have the final stories you sent me some time back, and we'll get to those at some time in the future...:D Oh, and btw, Clint called, said something about "feeling lucky punk?"...:D

Yo pally;

That was what I call moderately funny crap!! BC and I almost died laughing at that even though we wrote it about 5 years ago.
It is awsome that you posted that Bush, it was a real treat to read it.
Hey, ya got any more? lol, and by the way I still haven't returned Clint's lawnmower. lol.

That TC character evolved over time and had a life of his own. It was fun writing those stories.

Bush, do you have the "Dam Granny" story? That was a real life adventure just slighty exagerated.

TC-

OH the memories...lol! Mostly good ones even when I was a "Rookie" ! Oh yea I almost forgot in my old age that I am still a "Target" .

I still suck...lol

That article, although written satirically, has a lot of truth in it. I started out in CFS1 as a Halifax pilot in 6Group. Hey, I knew my job was not gonna be glamorous. I mean flying night missions in a room I couldn't totally black out, with failing eyesight was a friggin challenge. Always wanted to be a part of the 401st with Hitman, Jel, Sly, ect. ect. A fighter pilot was what I wanted.
The first few times on the Zone I too found out that the Hurricane was the plane to fly. Back then I had dial-up and just keeping the connection was a chore. Then I began to encounter the "open architecture" cheats on the Zone and figured out that this was a bogus environment so I made the switch to IL-2.
Still got the dial-up connection, still got the wife, and a job, and target that I am, I still enjoy flying. Finally made it to 401 too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!