Com-Central.net

...my version of "science in the news":

The Onion 05/11/06
Baton Rogue, La.

In a breakthrough study that contradicts decades of understanding about the nature of alligator -drunkard relations, Louisiana State University researchers have concluded that people's drunkenness does not impair the ancient reptiles ability to inflict enormous physical harm.

Alligators exhibit the potential to inflict serious harm regardless of the blood alcohol level of their victims.

Our data strongly indicates that human intoxication does not transform an alligator into a docile creature that enjoy's wrestling, said professor Ryder McCrory, chair of the Wildlife Taunting Department of LSU's prestigous Center for Bullying and Hazing Studies. Despite its slow witted demeanor and tendency to bask motionless in the hot sun, its a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half-nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it.

McCrory said the studies yielded statisitics that speak for themselves.

In 10 out of 10 documented cases of violent alligator encounters, the reptile was not influenced by the fact that the victim was "just kidding", or, "just having some fun," McCrory said.

To an alligator, McCrory explained, a humna forearm, even drunkenly dangling between the creatures casually opened jaws, still appears to be prey.

In field experiments members of the control group performed no better. and often far worse, than their sober counterparts in defending themselves against a 300 pound, seven foot bull alligator. Even when armed with an empty tequilla bottle.

At best, the bottle bounced harmlessly off the gator's snout, said LSU research assistant Tracy Sawyer.

When placed in the water the drunken volunteers faried even worse, and the alligator markedly better, sawyer said.

In addition, the alligator out performed their inebriated human counterparts in the following ares: lunging, biting, crushing, dismembering and swallowing.

According to the study, an alligators characteristic grin should not be interpreted as a lighthearted rection to the outrageous nerve of their alcohol addled human. Dont let an alligators easy going appearance fool you, these creatures have no empathy for drunken pranksters looking for fun. They are not black bears, Sawyer said.

McCrory recommended that alligator wrestling be undertaken solely by professionals, specifically roadside attraction proprietors. For drunkards interested in proving their mettle with alligators, the researchers proposed the following guidelines.

Instead of baiting an alligator, seek another form of drunken recreation, such as attending a strip club. burning a pile of tires, or painting ones buttocks with a funny face and video taping it.

Sick or infant deer are considered a far safer match for most inebriated humans, kicking a racoon or squirrel already dying by the side of the road is also recommended.

Experts suggests that those who become aggressive after consuming alcohol would be safer channeling that eneergy into more constructive behavior, such as calling an ex-lover.

And McCrory warned drunkards who absolutely must assault an alligator while inebriated to first make sure it is not a John Deere Gator cargo utility vehicle. This oversight is a common occuremce, he said.

- JG300-Ascout

kicking a squirrel already dying by the side of the road is recommended.

The Senator from the Woodland State wishes to object!

- JG300-Ascout

Instead of baiting an alligator, seek another form of drunken recreation, such as ..... painting ones buttocks with a funny face and video taping it.

This is very much exemplary of the kind of sound, realistic and PRACTICABLE scientific advice that the general public needs more of. The Onion once again demonstrate's it's ability to provide truly germain information on critical topics and goes beyond merely reporting the news, but also gives real-world examples of how the average Joe or Joan can even use the information to improve their lives with healthy and expressive activities.

VERY much glad you shared this!!!!!

Oh...and before I forget.....

I couldn't find the article. Do you remember if they recommended using latex or water-based paints?

- JG300-Stoopy

Oh...and before I forget.....

I couldn't find the article. Do you remember if they recommended using latex or water-based paints?

In your case, I'd recommend Imron....or even powder-coating. Resists sag....

LMAO!!!!

This snot-and-coffee-spew-encrusted keyboard gets harder and harder to type on all the time!!!!!

Yea but they didn't address whether or not the intoxicated human looks more attractive to the alligator.

Like when I get intoxicated and look in the mirror I see George Clooney and when I'm just flat out wasted and look in the mirror I see Brad Pit.

So obviously the more I drink the better looking I get which might not make the alligator more "docile" but would probably make him more appraochable and decrease my chances of getting rejected.

- fr8ycat

...decrease my chances of getting rejected.

Your fear of rejection days should be over now that you've wriggled your way into JG300! (We need to see about getting you re-registered with something snappy, like "JG300-Fr8ycat").

Another unanswered question is whether the 'gators prefer their food marinated or plain...

And...does beer add more flavor than wine or hard liquor?

C

- JG300-Ascout

Your fear of rejection days should be over now that you've wriggled your way into JG300! (We need to see about getting you re-registered with something snappy, like "JG300-Fr8ycat").

Check out his name now...:wink: