Com-Central.net

Sometime back on Com Central, we use to have a feature called "TC's Corner" written by PG_TigerCat. TC's pages were filled with 'saga' events from the days of CFS and we here at CC thought it would be nice to post up those stories once a week starting with the first one and going to the end.

It was a great run and we hope you like these stories as much as we did...:wink:

Story 1...

The 3 Ploys of CFS Survival!

Yo! You CFS boys. I was going to talk about making a prime Rookie Killing aircraft this week, but I came upon a more pressing issue. Clearly, in order to go flying online, you must have the consent of your wife, which can usually be given upon the application of a few $5 bills into her handbag. But sometimes, in the case of especially nasty wives, the $5 bills will not be enough. Here is where I will start my Corner...

The best time to fly and not be bothered by wives is, logically, when they are not home! When the said spouse is not currently in the said domicile, the CFS pilot is free to dun kilt hims somes Rookies. But sometimes, upon entering the house for a long delayed bathroom break from the stresses of defending the nation online, you will discover your wife actually inside your home. What to do? Simple. Lift her up by the belt and collar and toss her out the door!

However, this tactic may not always work as planned, especially when your wife is bigger and can pump more weights than you can. Ignoring the usual brainless chatter emitted by wives, i.e. usually along the lines of "What about your kids? Henry, you have GOT to go to work!" you will say to her "Margaret, I am the man of the house and if I want to go online and fly, you can darn well bet I am going to go right now and...and...and fix the broken lamp you asked me to, dear." There is simply no winning with wives...that is, when you outright confront them. You need undercover, secret tactics! One good one is to come out after the wife and kids are asleep. WARNING: A little noise can really get you in hot water, if the wife wakes up and discovers your true motives!

But of course, there is one very serious problem, and that wives specifically have built in radar sets to discover when you bought an new joystick or new flight Sim from the store for $78.99 without telling her. Your partner in matrimony will be able to smell the new fragrance of your new appliance before you even arrive on your street with it. Heaven Forbid she ever actually catch you bringing it into the house! Because of this, I have a few simple ideas to close my article with.

Ploy One - The Loan Trick: Arrange for a trustworthy friend to knock on your door at a pre planned time, holding a joystick. "Here's your joystick you let me borrow Henry" he will say. You reply "Thanks for returning it." and shut the door. Walk confidently past Margaret and proceed to install your new Joystick!

Ploy Two - The Cheap Bargain Trick: Burst into the house, shouting and whooping, until your wife arrives on the scene. This may take hours of whooping and shouting, especially if your wife is not home, but it will pay off in the end. "I found this joystick for sale in the SUPER Discount Rack at LessCompForYourBuck!" you will tell her. "Only for $5.25!" Confidently proceed to install your new appliance.

Ploy Three - The Mish-Mash Parts Trick: Walk into the house with a shopping bag filled with joystick parts. "What's in the bag, hon.?" your wife will ask. "Oh, I picked up a few spare parts at the Thrift and Whift." Proceed to assemble the 'parts' which, by all strange occurrences, happens to conglomerate into a complete joystick including installation software! Express your joy to your wife.
I would love to say more but I got to go wash the dishes. Cya all next week!
--PGTigercat

Clearly, the man was a genius....a married genius!

I managed to get my new video card in the house and installed before she arrived home...She never suspected anything at all...lol

A while ago when I got my brand new just released Radeon 9700 Pro vid card I discovered a new trick, I had to work late the day my card arrived at the puter parts store so I asked the wife to pick it up for me and told her "by the way you will have to pay for it when you pick it up" knowing my wife she thought it would be 20 bucks or so......$780.00 (with tax) later she and my new vid card were at home, she congratulated me on being so clever and I never heard another word lol...

- 401RCAF_HitMan

A while ago when I got my brand new just released Radeon 9700 Pro vid card I discovered a new trick, I had to work late the day my card arrived at the puter parts store so I asked the wife to pick it up for me and told her "by the way you will have to pay for it when you pick it up" knowing my wife she thought it would be 20 bucks or so......$780.00 (with tax) later she and my new vid card were at home, she congratulated me on being so clever and I never heard another word lol...

That would never work for me!

TC's Corner, issue #2

"The Rookie, Advanced or Fanatic CFS Pilot!"

The 'birth' of a CFS pilot is the day the unfortunate soul purchases the game. Some CFS philosophers debate this critical time span of when the CFS pilot is actually conceived. They say it is when he installs the game on his computer; others say it is when he first flies on the Zone that makes him a CFS pilot! But no matter what, this is the basic time span that a normal civilian ceases to be a regular human being, and turns into a CFS fanatic.

Most new CFS pilots fall under the category of "losers", but this has fallen recently for the more politically correct "Rookie" category. The day the "Rookie" first flies online, is called by CFS "experts", the "Baptism of Fire" or unofficially "The day the Rookie gets his Tail shot off for the First Time."

Most commonly the number of stock Hawker Hurricanes in the average FFA room appalls the new Rookie. "Why are they flying Hawkers?" the Rookie will think to himself. "Hawkers are lousy, these guys must be super bad pilots, really stupid, or both." The Rookie then selects the Republic P-47D because it is fast, takes hits, and has heavy armament. Twenty minutes and thirty-four deaths later, the Rookie exits the room and enters what is called the "Sudden Shock Stage" or unofficially "The time when the Rookie realizes he is super duper lousy."

Unfortunately, many Rookies are put down by this stage in CFS life. Every room he goes into he is shot down repeatedly and his vast majority of kills he makes come from collisions. He is immersed in a new world of "mods", "slewers", "lmao's", "Brunhost" and other unfamiliar phrases. If the Rookie survives this tender stage and does not give CFS up for Online Scrabble, the Rookie then becomes an "Average Pilot", or unofficially a "Target."

Some CFS philosophers debate the time a Rookie graduates to Average Pilot. Many say it is when he first uses the Hawker Hurricane on account of it being more maneuverable. I tend to disagree, because most Rookies will use the Hawker because everyone else is.

I say the Rookie graduates to Average Pilot on:
Realizing the Hawker is maneuverable
Is recruited by desperate squadron’s Recruiting Officers.

Lets say our Average Pilot is recruited by the KRUD Squadron as a Junior Secondary Flight School Cadet, and he is told that he is nothing, and that his Commanding Officer, the Renowned and Honorable KRUD_Whapper, is on the same dignity level as God. Once he has been effectively brainwashed into thinking he is so very lucky to be accepted by the Honorable KRUD Squadron, his commanders either make him,
Start full-time recruiting
Clean the squadron latrines.

After about nine months of this, the Junior Secondary Flight School Cadet is promoted to Senior Secondary Flight School Cadet.
For a moment let us leave our Average Pilot's serious online life and look at the sideshow - his family. Upon being asked by his wife why he is suddenly spending so much time on the computer, our Average Pilot will reply that he is "Online Investing in Mutual Funds" and that it takes "A very long time to amass a Fortune." When our Average Pilot's own son comes up to him and asks "Can you play catch with me, Pops?" the Average Pilot retorts "I am defending the KRUD Squad and the Nation from the terrible KRAP Squadron, who just declared war on us!"

The Average Pilot stage lasts anywhere from three weeks to eight months, depending on his Internet Connection speed!
Our Average Pilot is now termed as an "Advanced Pilot" or unofficially "Ace Pilot." He is promoted to Major in the KRUD Squadron and commands his own fighter wing. At this point, the Advanced Pilot has long since given up his job and his dignity. His wife has long ago filed for divorce but our Advanced Pilot does not care. He has been spending $1200 a month for new rudder pedals, joysticks, graphics cards, and Abacus Add-on games. His credit cards are all at their max. He is oblivious to all. He doesn’t tell anyone, but deep inside he is plotting the creation of his own Squadron, the Krum’s, and the overthrow of the KRUD Squadron.
Our Pilot will then announce the formation of the KRUM Squadron and he breaks away from the KRUDs, with the help of the twelve KRUD pilots he stole. He will overthrow the KRUDs, and the KRAPs, and there seems to be nothing to stop the Krum’s from taking over the Zone. Our Advanced Pilot has now become the "Fanatic Pilot" or unofficially the "A-Hole."

Now divorced, and living in a one-bedroom apartment, with no job, no life, no hope, and no hair. Our Fanatic Pilot spends 20 to 22 hours a day dictating his next attack on the unsuspecting KERD Squadron.

The Fanatic Pilot rules the Zone with an iron fist. All of a sudden the KRUM Squadrons pilots begin to mutiny! Within days, the KRUM Squadron crumbles! Our Fanatic Pilot, with no squadron, no life, no job, no hope, and no hair, resorts to the only remaining level he can sink to. He can be found sitting at a highway on-ramp, computer and joystick at his feet, holding a cardboard sign that reads "Will Kill Rookies for Food."

This, my friends, is the cycle of a normal CFS player. Where are you in this cycle? Are you the Rookie? The Advanced Pilot, or the Fanatic Pilot?

PG_Tigercat

Well...I got the CFS bug 6 and a half years ago but I still have my house, my wife, my job and my money so does this mean I'm still a crap pilot?..lol......I remember the day when I first ventured on the zone and met up with Jel and Ace and then Sly and many others whom are still in 401RCAF and still having fun. As a matter of fact I had a new alarm system installed in my house 2 days ago and I found out the guy who installed it Chuck_71st is a Pacific Fighters addict like me and we hooked up last night on HyperLobby to do some flying...it's a small world full of junkies that started out in CFS.

That article, although written satirically, has a lot of truth in it. I started out in CFS1 as a Halifax pilot in 6Group. Hey, I knew my job was not gonna be glamorous. I mean flying night missions in a room I couldn't totally black out, with failing eyesight was a friggin challenge. Always wanted to be a part of the 401st with Hitman, Jel, Sly, ect. ect. A fighter pilot was what I wanted.
The first few times on the Zone I too found out that the Hurricane was the plane to fly. Back then I had dial-up and just keeping the connection was a chore. Then I began to encounter the "open architecture" cheats on the Zone and figured out that this was a bogus environment so I made the switch to IL-2.
Still got the dial-up connection, still got the wife, and a job, and target that I am, I still enjoy flying. Finally made it to 401 too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still suck...lol

OH the memories...lol! Mostly good ones even when I was a "Rookie" ! Oh yea I almost forgot in my old age that I am still a "Target" .

Yo pally;

That was what I call moderately funny crap!! BC and I almost died laughing at that even though we wrote it about 5 years ago.
It is awsome that you posted that Bush, it was a real treat to read it.
Hey, ya got any more? lol, and by the way I still haven't returned Clint's lawnmower. lol.

That TC character evolved over time and had a life of his own. It was fun writing those stories.

Bush, do you have the "Dam Granny" story? That was a real life adventure just slighty exagerated.

TC-

Glad you like them everyone and TC, thanks for stopping by....(Good to cya around ya old wookie kilter...lol)

AND.... yes TC, I have all the stories. (something about being a packrat and keeping things like these stories that makes my wife call me that...lol)

I have the final stories you sent me some time back, and we'll get to those at some time in the future...:D Oh, and btw, Clint called, said something about "feeling lucky punk?"...:D

oi TC where ya been bud...been a long time man, seeing this stuff is like a blast from the past.

Enjoying the stories immensely! Looking forward to the next TC's corner!

Edition #3....:wink:


WHY IS IT?


Why is it? Rookie Rooms never have half-dozen Rookies ready to be kilt but instead a half-dozen seasoned aces with Rookie Kilters?

Why is it? My mothers cover the eyes and ears of their youngest child every time my Rookie Kilter and me go by?

Why is it? That a Genuine TC Rookie Kilter is known by the State of Nebraska to cause cancer?

Why is it? Once you actually do find a Rookie Room full of Rookies the host always boots you?

Why is it? The Zone freezes when you are heading into a really cool dogfight but always works like a charm in Ark Royal games?

Why is it? Game hosts never believe you when you explain to them a "Genuine Rookie Kilter" is simply a repainted P-51D?

Why is it? You get into this really cool sounding game that upon getting into the Ready Room you find out its a 2 vs. 2 game that goes up to 25 kills and hasn't been going for more than 15 seconds?

Why is it? When you are in a Rookie Room some punk comes in with his mod and shoots you down?

Why is it? Rookie Kilters are not banned from minors and,
especially, Rookies?

Why is it? Your kid deletes CFS twenty minutes before the "Big Squad Match" and not when he was jumping on the keyboard four days ago?

Why is it? Any female that shot you down thinks it is such a good topic in a chat room?

Why is it? Rookies can't keep the same hours as their Kilters?

Why is it? Whenever someone (obviously a Rookie) gets the Republic P-47D as his plane, and while you are smirking to yourself getting ready to kill him, someone tells the guy to fly a Hawker?

Why is it? You make your greatest kills alone but make your worst misses surrounded by a crowd of sadistic hecklers?

Why is it? Wives expect you to go to work, fulfill social and family obligations, change baby's diaper, go to church, take kids to their softball games, help with the laundry, and go shopping with them while Rookies abound on the Zone?

Why is it? That PGBearcat's letters are only slightly longer and more complicated than a thesis on nuclear fission?

Why is it? That none of these add-on designers every invented a compass that does not point North, South, East or West, but in an actual useful direction, like the shortest route to the nearest Rookie?

Why is it? Wives cannot accept the mystery of computer flight Sim games reproducing in the CD drawer and leave it at that?

Why is it? Wives cannot see the fact that all Rookies must be kilt?

Why is it? Wives go on crusades to Save the Rookie and make the Rookie Kilter paint the garage?

Why is it? The game lags the exact instant of shooting down a Rookie and not when you were looking for one two minutes before?

Why is it? When you totally miss a Rookie that the person standing behind you happens to be your priest, minister, rabbi, or worse, your 3-year old son, who asks Mommy what a "Bleeping Bleep of a Bleep Rookie", is?

PG_Tigercat